Awkwardness and life lessons

Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Dear Reader, 


Today I'm going to be honest with you. 

Today Reader, I'll tell you a story, one that's untold. 

I'd like to say that this is all my own version of events and other people may see it differently or heard differently. This is all in my own words. 


*  *

I came to the conclusion that I am plain awkward. Let me explain. . .

I'm not very good with strangers and I'm not good in new situations. I can't ever be that person who introduces themselves to a whole group of people. I'm the person in the corner that hides and is sat nearest to the exit. I'm just not very good at making friends nor am I that person who will be the most sociable. . . Unless I've had a couple of drinks then I'll be sociable to most people! I'm sure that this comes down to the fact that we were encouraged not to make friends and the only people we would need in our lives were each other. And as much as this is true, it's good to have friends and other people that care about you. I wasn't popular in school and didn't have many friends but the ones I did have I valued a lot. We didn't have many family friends either and the ones we did have weren't around for that long. So it was pretty much just the nine of us together. But that was okay, we were all close and did everything together . . . okay most things!!

I really try to trust people but in the past people have always let us down. I guess it's because they where thrown out of our lives. Another relationship gone, another person we trusted gone. The more I've told people things, the more people have let me down. The person who let me down the most was Person B. After promises that things would be different when person A had enough of all nine of us and said we had ruined their life and they had wasted 24 years of their life. Broken promises and after running around after person B, who had threatened to commit suicide in front of all nine of us. Even after many attempts later, they decided that nine of us weren't worth it anymore. The running around and the amount of times, I'd drop everything and help out. I'm not angry at A, I don't expect anything different from them. The sad thing it's who they are and you can't change the way that they are. But person B gave all nine of us so many broken promises and instead of taking responsibility, talking truthfully and getting on with it, they decided they were done. No explanation, I never got any answers I wanted and after feeling abandoned, that was it. 

Done.

I think back and I didn't even get a last hug from either of them and I don't even remember the last time either of them said they loved me. I don't remember the last time I cried on their shoulder or even the last 'nice' conversation I had with them. All I remember is the disappointment and the let downs. The lies about myself and the others. I'm not fussed about what is said about me, say what you want about me behind my back but say something about one of my siblings then I get mad! I've had my fair share of lies told about me and I don't care. It takes a sad person to lie about someone and lair always get found out eventually. They always have to cover a lie with a lie and sometimes they end up believing their own stories. I know lies are still being told and I love it. I've nothing to hide and I'll always set the record straight if I get confronted with what I've 'done'. The thing is people that lie always seem the need to play the victim. They need people to feel sorry for them and as long as they can make people feel sorry for them, then they walk away smiling. Another person on their side, another person looking a fool. This is how people A and B left many people looking and feeling. That sob story that they sold to many churches, neighbours and friends was all just a lie. They didn't have to do much because they had us nine to do it all for them. That hard life they sold everyone was something they laughed about behind closed doors.  

 I think the year two thousand and sixteen was the year of lessons, learning and lies. But it's all done now and there's no point looking back at the past. The only thing you learn by looking back is the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak, the tears that you cried as a child hiding under the bed because you couldn't understand why. You take everything and you turn it into a lesson and you use that to continue living your life the best you can. The past is the past and that is where it stays. You can't change it. 

Lots of Love